


It's Okay To Cry

by xMarrrvelx (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (I tried), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Caring, Caring Steve Rogers, Character Death, Crying, Crying Tony Stark, Domestic Avengers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Tony Stark, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Grief/Mourning, Hugging, Hugs, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Protective Steve Rogers, Sad, Sad Tony, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs Sleep, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, Worried Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10936446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/xMarrrvelx
Summary: Tony Stark has always hidden his emotions from the public eye. Emotions made you look weak, and Tony didn't want that. Besides, he was a Stark, and a Stark doesn't cry.But then something dreadful happens, and the grief and the pain (as well as the sleepless, nightmare-filled nights, and the panic attacks, and the fear of the very big, very dangerous universe) are enough for Tony to consider showing his emotions more often, because keeping all of that bottled up is exhausting. And, well, he's not entirely sure about how much longer he can cope with it all, either.Thank God Steve Rogers exists. Tony doesn't know what he'd do without him.





	It's Okay To Cry

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy :)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (I don't need to rate this mature because there are no actual sex scenes...right? I mean, it definitely contains references to that topic but...?)

"Go to sleep,"

"No,"

"Go to _sleep,_ Tony,"

_"No,"_

"For crying out loud," Steve sighed, folding his arms tightly across his chest. Tony had his back to him, his fingers wildly tapping away at his computer keyboard, entering codes that Steve couldn't understand. Something about upgrading J.A.R.V.I.S...At least, that's what Tony had told him. He'd been at it for hours, now, and Steve had had enough. There were empty polystyrene cups littered all over his metallic desk and the floor, that once contained coffee, and yet there was no sign of any food whatsoever, as though the only fuel Tony had been relying on was the caffeinated drink and nothing else. Steve knew for a fact that that wasn't healthy. "You can't keep living like this, Tony. It's not good for you," 

"I'm _fine,_ " Tony grumbled.

"No, you're _not._ How many time have we had this conversation? You-"

"Too many times,"

"-need to look after yourself more,"

The smaller man snorted. "I'm not a child, Steve,"

"You sure _act_ like one," 

Tony's hands stopped moving, and he wheeled his chair away from the keyboard, tilting his head backwards until he could see Steve. "I'm fine," He repeated.

 _He even looks adorable upside down._ "Look at you," Steve mumbled, holding his hand out. He gently pressed his palm against Tony's cheek, tracing the man's upside-down lips with his thumb. "You're exhausted. Why won't you come to bed?" 

Tony wrinkled his nose, pulling away from the touch. "I don't need _inspecting_ ," He insisted, bringing his head back forward again with a huff. He spun his chair around until he could see his boyfriend properly. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

Steve looked hurt. "I absolutely _can't_ ," He replied, frowning. "You really think I'm gonna leave you down here again? I'm _worried_ about you, Tony. You haven't been asleep for hours, days even-"

"That's because I _can't_ sleep!" Tony snapped suddenly, his eyes glistening as though he was on the verge of tears. "I can't sleep, Steve. Okay? I _can't_. Nothing's been the same since New York. I've experienced things that I can't explain. Gods, aliens, other dimensions...there are entire new worlds out there, each one a possible new threat to our own small and _defenceless_ world...and me? I'm just a man in a can. The only reason I haven't gone completely insane is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I _love_ you. I'm lucky. And I try, I really do. When we go to bed, when we fuck-"

 _"Tony,"_ Steve blushed.

"Oh, I'm _sorry_...when we make _sweet love_ to one another...is that better? Anyway, after all that, we lay down, we cuddle, hug, snuggle, whatever, and we- _you_ fall asleep. But me? I lay there for a while, thinking, and then I come down here. I do what I know. I tinker. I...Don't give me that look. I try, I really do, but...I can't sleep knowing that threats are _always_ imminent," Tony sighed pinching the bridge of his nose. "And...and I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you, Steve,"

Steve sighed sadly, his eyes softening. "Oh, Tony..."

"And all this?" He raised his arms wide, gesturing at the endless Iron Man suits. "They're...uh..."

"They're machines, Tony,"

"They're a part of me..."

"They're a distraction,"

Tony's eyes lingered at Steve for a moment, and then he let out one long, shaky sigh, and looked away. "Yeah, maybe..." He breathed. Steve watched as his shoulders slumped, and walked over to him.

"C'mere," He muttered, holding his arms out. Tony didn't move, but allowed Steve to move closer until their bodies were almost touching, and leant his head against Steve's chest, listening to the steady thumping of his heart. Sighing, the soldier wrapped his muscular arms around the billionaire's slightly smaller frame and held him there, running his hands up and down his back. "We're gonna get through this," He promised, kissing his head. 

"Yeah..."

"How about you clean up a bit, yeah? We can head upstairs and watch a movie, or something. I know you not-so-secretly love _Grease_ ," 

"Aww, get you," Tony teased, resting his chin against Steve and looking up at him through his eyelashes. "I didn't know you knew that movie," 

"Of course I do," Steve chuckled. "I'm ninety, I'm not _dead_ ," 

"Thankfully," Tony smiled, but there was that look again, in his eyes, like he wasn't telling Steve something.

"What is it?" Steve questioned quietly, tilting his head.

Tony frowned. "Huh?"

"You've got that look on your face," 

"What do you mean, _that look_?"

Steve shrugged. "You're hiding something. What is it?" Tony raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, I am, am I?" He asked, an innocent look on his face that Steve knew wasn't really that innocent. "And you got all that from a _look_?"

"Don't answer my question with a question," 

Tony huffed. "I'm not hiding anything, Steve. Okay? If you truly love me like you say you do, then you'll let it go,"

"Of _course_ I love you," Steve said, pulling away from their embrace, which made Tony pout. He looked Tony in the eye. "I was only curious. Sorry for doubting you,"

"Yeah, yeah," Tony waved his arm aimlessly in the air. "You know how I am with apologies. It's fine,"

"Alright, good," He kissed the man's forehead. "I'm gonna go shower,"

Tony nodded. "Okay," He watched as Steve started to leave, but then frowned in puzzlement as the blonde paused and turned around, a hand on his hip. "What?" Tony asked, confused as to why he stopped.

"Tony," Steve breathed, raising an eyebrow. "You're gonna _join_ me," 

The brunet's eyes widened like a child's at Christmas, and he bit his lip, trying to hide the smirk that was crawling onto his face. "Right," He pointed at Steve, and nodded. "That's...that's..." He abandoned his chair, and practically ran over to his muscular hunk of a boyfriend. "I like that idea. What a great idea,"

Steve grinned mischievously. "Oh, yeah?"

Tony smirked. "Oh, _yeah_ ," He reached up onto his tip-toes and placed a kiss at Steve's mouth seductively, nibbling at his bottom lip suggestively. Moaning, Steve placed his hand at the small of Tony's back and pulled him closer, so that their bodies were touching, and put his other hand on the back of Tony's head, intertwining his fingers with the brunet's soft locks. Tony let out a small whine, partly from the touch and partly because Steve wouldn't open his mouth any further, denying any access for Tony's tongue.

"Steve," He muttered, pushing his lips even more against Steve's, and swirling his tongue against them. He pulled back for a second. "Quit teasing," 

"M'not," Steve lied, smirking. Then he reconnected his lips with Tony's, keeping his own firmly pressed together. He knew what Tony wanted, and so he planned to do the exact opposite.

"You _are_ ," Tony said against Steve's mouth, groaning in frustration. When Steve _still_ kept his lips sealed, he mumbled, "Fine," and moved his hand further down from where it was resting on Steve's waist, so that it lay atop his ass, and then _squeezed_.

Steve gasped, opening his mouth, and Tony took it as an opportunity to slip his tongue in through the gap. Finally, he thought, but then Steve pulled away with an annoyed yet cheerful smirk plastered on his face. "You little _shit_ ," 

Tony tilted his head back and groaned. "Oh my God, I _love it_ when you curse,"

Steve chuckled, and then before Tony could say anything planted his lips against Tony's exposed neck. He found the right spot instantly, earning a pleasured moan from Tony, and sucked and nibbled as hard as he could, knowing full well that it would leave a hickey. His leg slipped in between Tony's, and-

"Is that a screwdriver in your pocket?" Steve teased. "Or are you just happy to-"

"Oh, shut up and kiss me again, you old sap,"

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

_you_

 

_you could've saved us_

_YOU COULD'VE SAVED US_

_why didn't you_

 

 

Tony

 

_why didn't you do more_

_why_

_HOW COULD YOU_

_YOU COULD'VE SAVED US_

_WHY DIDN'T YOU DO MORE_

 

Tony?

 

 

 

_you could have saved us_

_but you didn't_

_and now we're all dead_

 

 

 

 

_Because Of You._

 

 

 

 

 

Tony!

 

 

 

It happened again. 

Tony woke up gasping for air like a drowning man, his hand desperately trying to clutch his arc reactor, his heart racing at a million miles per hour. 

"Tony!"

Kicking his legs to free them from the rope-like blankets, he sat up on the edge of the bed and bent over, trying to catch his breath. _Oh, God. It happened again. It happened again. I need to save them. I need to-_

A hand came down on his shoulder. He jumped nearly a foot in the air, and scrambled backwards to get away, which resulted in him losing his balance. He hit the floor with a loud 'thud' and instantly backed into the corner. "G-go away. Let me save them. I need-I have to save them,"

"Tony!" There was that voice again. It had been calling him in his sleep, and now it was here in the real world, _here to get me, to take me away, to stop me from saving them-_

"Leave me alone!!" He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to slow his breath, trying to stop the burning in his lungs. 

There was a noise, small yet audible, like a spring-filled mattress creaking, and then he felt a presence standing over him. 

"It's only me, Tony. Open your eyes," 

"N-no!"

"It's me. Steve. I'm not going to hurt you," The voice sounded desperate. "You're okay, it was just a nightmare,"

Steve. The name sounded familiar, and Tony tried helplessly to think of where he'd heard it before. Then it hit him.

"No..." He shook his head, opening his eyes and staring at the ground. "You-you're _dead_. I saw you die. I... _I couldn't save you!"_

"Tony, look at me," The legs in front of Tony shifted, and then suddenly the figure in front of him was crouching. "I need you to breathe, okay? You're starting to hyperventilate. Just...watch me, yeah? Copy what I do," 

"You're dead..."

"That wasn't real. I don't know what you saw, but...I'm very much alive, see?" Another movement. Suddenly something gentle and warm was lightly hovering near his cheek, barely touching his skin. "You feel that?"

"Y-yeah..." Tony shivered, leaning into the touch.

"Now watch how I breathe. In...and out...you see?" Tony watched the somewhat comforting rise and fall of the person's chest, and tried to match it with his own. "You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing for me..."

Tony nodded shakily, still dazed but slowly calming down. His eyes travelled up the person's torso, lingering at the chest for a few more minutes, before landing on their face, and a pair of _gorgeous_ blue eyes. 

"S-Steve..." He whispered, his voice breaking as he finally recognized the man. A single hot tear slid down his cheek, and Steve, who's palm was still resting against the side of his lover's face, used the pad of his thumb to carefully wipe it away.

Steve smiled sadly. "Shh," He soothed. "Don't cry. It's okay...you're okay..."

"I watched you die," Tony stated quietly, and right then he looked so small, so _broken_ , that Steve didn't know what else to do other than to enclose the man in a hug. Tony didn't pull away, allowing Steve to wrap his strong arms around him. He buried his face into the soldier's neck as Steve rubbed the man's back, whispering calming words into his ear. Tony shuddered, a chill running down his spine, and mumbled softly: "You're cold,"

Steve chuckled lightly. "Yeah, well, we're both naked, so..." And ended their embrace for a few seconds, long enough for him to pull the duvet from the bed and wrap it around them both. "There we go. Better?"

The brunet nodded slowly. "Yeah..." He frowned, and his eyes, still full of unspilled tears, were suddenly trained to the floor. "M'sorry,"

"For what? Having a nightmare?" Steve's brows knitted together, even more so when Tony silently nodded again. "Are you serious? Tony, look at me," He gently placed his fingers under Tony's chin and coaxed him into lifting his head, until those brown orbs finally settled on him. "You have nothing to be sorry for,"

"I know, but," Tony shrugged half-heartedly. "I shouldn't have woken you-"

"Are you forgetting that _I_ always wake _you_ whenever I'm dreaming about the ice?" Steve asked rhetorically. "It's fine, honestly. I'd rather lose sleep and comfort you, rather than letting you deal with this on your own. We're in this together, remember? I love you, Tony, and I'll never leave you. Never," He saw that the duvet was slipping from Tony's shoulders and pulled it up again. "You don't deserve to suffer alone," Pushing a strand of hair away from his forehead, Steve leaned forward, and then covered Tony's slightly parted lips with his own. The kiss wasn't rough and demanding, but soft and tender, and Steve didn't attempt to bite Tony's lip or anything, he just _kissed_ him, pouring as much love into as possible. He could taste a hint of salt, and when they broke apart Steve saw that Tony was crying again, silently, tear tracks covering his cheeks. But he was smiling, also.

"What did I do to deserve you, huh?" He asked, rubbing at his cheeks and eyes to dry them. 

The corner of Steve's mouth tilted upwards, and he said, sweetly, "Everything. You're a _good_ man, Tony, even if you don't believe it,"

_W_ _hy didn't you do more?_

"I-" Tony swallowed, and for a moment a pained look flashed across his face. But then it vanished, and, instead of continuing his sentence, he said, "Let's go back to bed. My ass is getting numb,"

Steve laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, _wow_ , Tony," He effortlessly stood up, then offered his hand to Tony. The brunet took it, pulling himself up, wrapping the duvet around his shoulders yet again. The pair made the way over to the bed, and Tony allowed Steve to climb on first, before following him. He threw the duvet over the both of them, and snuggled into Steve's warm embrace, smiling as he felt his arms wrap around him.

"Steve?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you,"

"Anytime, Tony," He felt a kiss on top of his head. "Anytime," 

 

 

Tony waited until he could hear Steve's light snores, and then slowly wriggled out from underneath his arms, praying that Steve wouldn't wake. _I'm sorry._ He had tried to sleep, and had spent several minutes with his eyes squeezed shut trying to clear his busy mind, but, despite everything, it hadn't worked, and he found himself pointlessly staring at the white bedroom wall. He decided that enough was enough, and if he was going to stay awake all night then he might as well use his time efficiently. Just like the night before, and the night before that, and the night before that...he tiptoed across the bedroom floor, and headed towards the one place that he always found comfort in during these restless nights: his workshop.

It didn't take long for him to settle into the familiar routine of upgrading his armour. _I need to protect them all_ , he thought, his mind flashing back to the horrors of his nightmare: the Hulk, panting in pain as he tried and failed to stand; Thor, lying eerily still with Mjolnir broken and tossed aside; Clint and Natasha, both with eyes like glass and black blood pooling around them; and _Steve-_

Steve, the only person to ever love him-

Steve, the only human who saw Tony as _Tony-_

Steve, who was too perfect for this world-

-to see him looking lifeless, yet still (barely) breathing, next to his shattered shield, gasping for air with a desperate, pained look in his eye...it was the worst thing Tony could ever, _ever_ , picture, because...because Steve was his _world,_ as cheesy as it sounded, and hearing him choking on his own blood as he says those frightening words over and over and over-

_You could've saved us._

_Why didn't you do more?_

-it _hurt_...as though somebody had wrapped their hand around his heart and squeezed. He shuddered, his hand automatically going to his arc reactor. _You need to focus,_ he told himself, pushing all of the horrendous thoughts from his mind. Pulling up a hologram of the Mark 43 armour, he used J.A.R.V.I.S. to check which parts needed the most attention, and then got to work, humming along to _Back In Black_ by AC/DC as it blasted through his speakers (he didn't have to worry about the noise thanks to the soundproof walls). 

He wasn't entirely sure how long he'd been working for (he'd come down to the workshop at what, 1:00am? Maybe it was about 3:00am...or maybe 5:00am...) when his _StarkPhone_ suddenly rang, the familiar sound of _Black Sabbath_ interrupting AC/DC's _Thunderstruck._

"J.A.R.V.I.S, kill the music," He mumbled, and the room fell silent, instantly. The caller ID read 'Rhodey' and Tony smiled despite the unusuality of ringing at such an early hour. Swiping his thumb over the screen, he put the phone against his ear, and said, "What's up, sour patch?"

But instead of hearing Rhodey's chipper response, an unfamiliar voice said, "Hello? Is this Mr Stark?"

Tony's eyebrows knitted together. He raised his free arm, and pulled it downwards, saving and closing the work he'd added to the Mark 43 hologram, and then sat down in his chair, leaning against the backrest. "Who am I speaking with?"

"This is Major General Thomas Sanderson," The voice replied, and Tony remembered briefly the face of the man, after being introduced to him a few years ago by Rhodey. "I'm going to ask again, just for clarification. Am I speaking with a Mr Tony Stark?"

Frowning, Tony said, "Yes, this is Tony," He ran hand through his hair. "Sir? What is this about?"

"You are listed as an emergency contact for Colonel James Rhodes," The man stated. "Is this correct?"

"I-" Tony swallowed. "Yes?"

"Are you busy right now, Mr Stark?"

Tony shook his head, the remembered the man couldn't see him through his phone. "No,"

"Alright," Sanderson sighed. "I need to talk to you, Mr Stark, regarding Colonel Rhodes. Is this an appropriate time?"

Didn't he just say that he wasn't busy? "Yes," Tony said, getting restless. "With all due respect, General, you still haven't answered my question. What is this about?"

Sanderson fell silent for a moment, and Tony could've sworn he heard him sigh. Then, the man replied, "These phone calls are never easy to make, Mr Stark, but they have to be done. I need you to listen carefully, alright?"

" _Why_?" Tony snapped, suddenly on edge. "What's going on?" 

"I'm not supposed to be telling you this over the phone, really, and so I'm only going to tell you once...but, well, what with the closeness between you and Colonel Rhodes, I..." He paused again, then, "I think you deserve to know the truth,"

The billionaire ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Which is...?"

"I...I regret to inform you that there was an unfortunate incident late last night, Mr Stark, whilst Colonel Rhodes was on a solo mission..."

"He-What?" Tony's breath hitched in his throat. "You mean-"

"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Tony," 

 

 

(to be continued)

 

**Author's Note:**

> ***(IMPORTANT) PLEASE READ!***
> 
> After re-reading this and looking at the comments section, I've realised that the last part of this chapter doesn't actually follow military regulations. I am planning on fixing this soon, so please try to ignore that mistake for now. Sorry...
> 
> ***6/6/17 UPDATE***
> 
> I think I fixed it? Let me know if it's ok... 
> 
> Credits to @I_kill_zombies for the idea :)  
>  
> 
> oh and sorry if the making out scene was a bit cringy lol
> 
> Comments and kudos are, as always, appreciated! ^.^ 
> 
> (Let me know if I've made any grammatical errors too)
> 
> :)
> 
>  
> 
> **THIS STORY IS CURRENTLY ON HOLD DUE TO PERSONAL REASONS BUT IT IS NOT ABANDONED AND I WILL RETURN**


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